Hispanic Fanatic

Cinco de Mayo is here, and I have one simple question for the Anglos out there: What does this day signify? I mean, what historical event does it commemorate besides the advent of the two-for-one margarita special?

I do not mean this to be bitchy or accusatory. I may be playing a subtle game of racial gotcha, it’s true, but what’s wrong with that?

To be fair, I myself never heard of Cinco de Mayo until I was a teenager, which was perhaps a decade before mainstream America started celebrating diversity in sloppy, albeit sincere fashion. This eagerness to let other ethnic groups know that they are almost, very nearly American has lead to people wishing me a “Happy Independence Day” months before July 4. It’s sort of like those school holiday programs, where the Jewish kids get one verse of “The Dreidel Song” in the midst of nineteen Christmas carols.

Again, I appreciate the effort. But for starters, I am not Mexican (Cinco de Mayo is, strictly speaking, only relevant to Mexico). Second, May 5 is not Mexican Independence Day (that would be September 16). And lastly, one listen to my flat, Midwestern accent should let you know that any Latin American holiday has about as much significance to my life as Oktoberfest does to a sixth-generation descendent of German immigrants… actually, maybe even less, because Oktoberfest features beer, which is most tasty.

My chief memory of Cinco de Mayo, in fact, is from 1998, when a ditzy California blonde broadsided my brand-new car. I don’t know why I continue to associate the day with this event, but now it is stuck in my head… Damn.

In any case, Cinco de Mayo will not find me marking the day in any special manner, nor using it to justify guzzling egregious amounts of alcohol. It’s just another evening to me, thank you very much.

But I do not want to leave you without concrete information (news you can use, as it were) in this post, particularly if it will help you break the ice with that cute girl at the end of the bar. So here are some facts about the significance of Cinco de Mayo, which you can mention tonight in between ordering rounds of tequila for that special someone. You can thank me later. 

I have to thank Keg, both for commenting on my post “I Have Not Been to the Mountain,” and for pointing out an obvious error in my writing.

In that post, I bemoaned the lack of Latino icons. I should have specified, however, that I was talking about the dearth of positive or uplifting leaders. After all, there are plenty of negative Hispanic icons. So I should have been clearer about that.

There’s a larger issue, however, which is that I didn’t make it clear that my focus is on Hispanics in the United States rather than in Latin America. This goes beyond that individual post. Indeed, the whole point of this blog is to discuss Latino life in the United States. If you notice, I spend very little time addressing what takes place in foreign countries (an exception is my post about the Argentinean duende, which still had a tangential relationship to American issues and was just too damn funny to pass on).

So I thank her for forcing me to hone my writing. And while we’re at it, I want to point out that I’m still getting a handle on this blog (now in its third month) and its parameters. Right now, I’m leaning toward emphasizing bigger issues that can be explored in longer posts, or more autobiographical entries that (hopefully) illustrate some larger themes. This means I’ll have fewer conversational posts about fast-breaking issues, but you can get that anywhere (notice that I skipped commenting on this week’s immigration-reform protest marches).

I remain curious about how this blog is developing. Once again, your feedback is always welcome. Well, maybe not always – let’s not get carried away – but feel free to post a reply.

Otherwise, stay tuned for more rants and profanity.

I don’t follow celebrity gossip, mostly because I’ve never managed to work up interest in the desperate actions of shallow people who make a thousand times more money than I do. My antipathy is also because celebrities so rarely say anything that truly shocks me.

Therefore, it was with great surprise that I ran into this recent quote from singer/songwriter Alicia Keys:

“I’m not Latina, even though I would love to be and many people do think I am.”

She has officially shocked me. The reason is because I’ve never heard of a white or black person who actually wanted to be Hispanic.

Minorities who want to be white are commonplace. The perception that life is easier for members of the majority culture is well-ingrained.

And if there is a second most-coveted ethnicity, we can all agree that it is black. This desire has lead to a surplus of white rappers and a cavalcade of unintentionally hilarious wannabes slouching their way down the street.

Therefore, a beautiful and successful non-Hispanic woman yearning to be a Latina is not something I would have predicted. Such proclamations have the dangerous potential to make us hip.

Because Ms. Keys is a mixture of black and white, people are apparently confused about her race. So nobody will correct her if she claims Hispanic blood. I encourage her to follow her heart on this one.

Let her proclaim an affinity for salsa and a tendency to hug total strangers. Allow her to speak rapidly and refer to distant relations as cousins. And nudge her into swaying her hips to anything remotely rhythmic and becoming subsumed with Catholic guilt.

In this way, she can inch toward achieving that Latina status she so admires.