Hispanic Fanatic

The natural question that arises is, “What did you get for Christmas?” Well, my favorite gift of this past holiday season was the razor-sharp Chinese ornamental dagger that I received. Nothing says Christmas like a dragon-decorated metal blade that can slice off fingers with one swipe. It’s just that cool.

In any case, I’m back from vacation, and I will try to squeeze in one more update before 2008 dies its inglorious death. Otherwise, I will have fresh posts as soon as 2009 arrives.

Meanwhile, and continuing my tradition of posting non-sequitur videos whenever I take extended breaks from the blog, here is a clip of a musical prodigy named Sara. She’s a pre-adolescent girl who likes to jam to “YYZ” by Rush. Check it out, and see you soon.

Like much of America, I’m taking the next week off, so there will be a temporary hold on new posts. As implied in my previous two posts, I’ll be drinking with old friends before Christmas, drinking with the cousins on Christmas Eve, and probably drinking something with someone on Christmas Day. When I am through with all my holiday cheer, I shall post more shenanigans. Until then, have a Merry Christmas.

Oh, I almost forgot: Peace on Earth, goodwill toward everyone, and harmony among all the races and nations of the world. Yes, feel free to indulge in some of that until I get back.

My family has expanded to the point where they are simply too many people to buy Christmas presents for. So we’ve decided that, from now on, gifts will be purchased only for the children. Partly we’re doing this to reject the grotesque materialism of the holiday season. But mostly, the economy is crashing around us, and nobody wants to go broke buying gifts for adults who don’t need any more knickknacks.

I’m curious if this next generation of children will be subjected to the same rules and rituals that the cousins and I grew up with. At first, the system was inflexible: first came Midnight Mass, then the presents. The youngest kids required naps, often in church, but we were all awake at 2:00 am to open gifts. It helps that my family is composed overwhelmingly of night people. Successive years of whining pushed up the gift-opening ceremony, to the point where we exchanged presents around 10:00 pm and enjoyed them before heading off to church.

In any case, before any gifts were opened, Aunt #1 always asked us to explain who Mary and Joseph were, why they were on the road, what the innkeeper said, and whose savior arrived in the manger. It was a study group for Christianity 101, and Aunt #1 filled in the blanks and embellished the more miraculous elements. She did this every year –- the same quiz with the same answers. But it was vital to her that we understand the story of Christmas. The youngest cousins gave the bulk of the answers. The older ones hung back, like wily veterans who had given their peak performances long ago.

The presents were then handed out, with the accompanying rule that everybody had to have at least one gift before anybody opened anything.  Each year, we gripped our presents in crazed anticipation until the last person received a gift. Only then, when it was verified that everybody had a present in his or her hands, did the shredding begin.

The sound of wrapping paper being ripped to death filled the room, and exclamations cascaded around the house over shouts of thanks. It was a crazed wrenching open of boxes and flinging of ribbons. It was a blur of hands and shower of sudden confetti over tumbling objects. And every now and then, mixing with a bellow of “Cool!” or the rapid tittering of the authentically thrilled, came the sound of young girls quite literally squealing with delight.

Then it was off to Midnight Mass. We stomped off snow as we entered the church. The holy water felt odd on our reddened faces, and we didn’t unbutton our bulky coats until we found a pew to take over, because we always had to sit together.

Our church was lit up with hundreds of candles, and the band gave revved-up acoustic meringue versions of “Cascabellas” and “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” The mass started with a processional of parishioners dressed as the three wise men, Mary and Joseph, and assorted shepherds and angels. Usually, a neighborhood teen mom’s baby represented Jesus. For some reason, a knocked-up Latina’s infant was often the default symbol for the Christian messiah in the annual service.

After the mass, we drudged into the bitter cold, gave final hugs and holiday blessings, and went home to sleep until noon.

Today, we more or less skip the mass. Sometimes, the celebration gets going late because we have to account for work schedules and in-laws and other details that we could skip when most of us were under twelve and could fit into one car. And some of us won’t even be there. We live in different states or even different countries now.

Still, I hope that at some point, Aunt #1 will call a halt to our games or conversations or gorging or whatever we’re doing. Then she will sit in front of the tree, call the children over to her, and ask them to tell her the story of Christmas.

Like many Hispanic families, we celebrate on Christmas Eve. As kids, the cousins and I loved this arrangement because we didn’t have to toss and turn in bed while wrapped presents taunted us with the delayed gratification of Christmas morning. But now, we’re grateful for the nighttime celebration because we can recover from our drinking, and sleep in the next day.

As a child, I thought everyone’s holiday consisted of a house crammed with family and friends of the family or friends of friends of the family. In those times, chaos was a friend and bedlam had to take a number. Children bounced off the furniture and yelled jokes over the booming stereo, which alternated between tejano jams and warped LPs that blared the pop music of the day. The adults mixed margaritas while new attendees entered to festive shouts among a whirl of snow. I assumed that everybody’s Christmas was a raucous house party.

We played games, of course. But our activities weren’t quaint, Dickensian formalities where everybody sat with hands folded and chuckled at the outcome. Instead, we started boisterous rounds of “Life” or “Candyland” or whatever was available, making up our own rules because no one had the patience to read the directions. And regardless of what we were playing or watching or doing, ten different conversations started among us.

As adults, most of our Christmas games begin with an inebriated demand or shouted inspiration, and contests end when another, better game starts or a cousin declares, “I win and you all suck!” At any time, a heated match of “Clue” may draw to an ignominious conclusion when a mojito splatters the board, or a hand of poker dissolves into frenzy when everyone begins openly cheating.

The feast has altered over the years. As kids, the announcement that dinner was ready provoked us to rush the kitchen like the bulls of Pamplona zeroing in on a chubby tourist. Because there was no line or system whatsoever, everyone crowded into the hot room while reaching over, around, and past each other. Drinks were mixed up, plates were tipped, and hips were checked. But we got what we wanted and danced around one another until retreating to the dinner table or the couch or a folding chair or just a wall.

Today, we all chip in to help. Cousins bring food to share in an adventurous potluck. We pile our plates high with tamales or Puerto Rican rice or ham or lasagna or Aunt #1’s special turkey with mole sauce. Who knows what will be served?

We uncork the wine bottles and pop open beers. Most important, Cousin #1 has long had the responsibility of mixing the tequila sunrises. She performs this task with a focused intensity, hunched over like she’s defusing a ticking bomb. The constant flow of beverages is far too vital to be assigned to amateurs.

It isn’t really Christmas, of course, until our abuela throws a fit. Each year, she denounces the food as inedible, even if we made a separate dish solely for her (often something that she consumes every other day of the year). The first few holidays, someone brimming with Christmas spirit would try to cheer her up. By now, however, we barely notice when she storms off. It’s tradition.

Everything leads up to the opening of the gifts. But I’ll post more on that later.

Latinos are still coming down off our post-election high. After all, the mainstream media anointed us a crucial voting block in President-elect Obama’s victory.

Well, the good news keeps flooding in. As evidence of our newfound clout, we can now say that we’re number one in a very important sociological category:

Hispanics are officially the top victims of hate crimes that are “motivated by ethnicity or national origin,” as the FBI puts it.

Thank you. We couldn’t have done it without you… well, not you, per se. But we couldn’t have done it without that small percentage of racial supremacists out there (which is most certainly not you, otherwise you would not be reading this).

Just how overwhelming is the Latino presence on the hate-crime index? According to the FBI, Hispanics made up almost two-thirds (61.6 percent) of victims in this category – so in your face, Asian Americans!

Now the first disclaimer to this enlightening statistic is that blacks are still number one in the racial category – remember, race and ethnicity are often two different things. Also, the statistics only cover through 2007, so it’s possible that some other ethnic group has surpassed us as objections of scorn in the last year.

But I doubt it.

Recently, we heard about a group of teenage boys in upstate New York who, according to police, wanted “to find Latinos and to assault them. They were actively seeking victims.” The guys succeeded, killing an Ecuadorian immigrant who made the mistake of walking down their side of the street. At a court hearing for the lynch mob, a prosecutor quoted the leader of the thugs as saying, “Let’s go find some Mexicans to fuck up.”

This apparently is a worthwhile goal in some parts of America.

One might ask why there is so much hatred of Hispanics. I don’t know… maybe it has something to do with the psychotic level of rage focused on Latino immigrants, most of which has a basis in xenophobic fears that have been jacked up by demagogues looking to score cheap political points.

Actually, I’m sure that’s all just a coincidence.

Regardless, I’m surprised that we’re still the favorites. In this post-9/11 world, I thought Middle Easterners were the primary objects of fear and loathing. But it wasn’t a very long ride at the top for the Abduls and Muhammads of America.

Irrational fears that every Muslim is a terrorist have been supplanted in these tough economic times. Now we’re back to the irrational fear that a Latino is going to steal your job.

It proves that in dark days, some Americans find comfort in returning to the classics.

I’m still in a good mood from achieving post number one hundred (see my previous article). So here’s a positive, uplifting story… no, I really mean it. This isn’t some cynical trick, although I wouldn’t blame anyone for thinking I would pull such a thing.

This feel-good tale has been covered in other places, but it can’t get too much publicity. Basically, years ago, a guy named Alfredo Quiñones-Hinojosa jumped a fence and entered America illegally. He became one of the numerous Mexicans who wound up toiling in the fields. But he strived to do more with his life.

So today, he is, quite literally, a brain surgeon.

Go ahead and check out this article if you don’t believe me. I’m waiting for the movie treatment on this, ala “The Pursuit of Happyness.” But since we have a dearth of Latino movie stars, I have no idea who would play Quiñones-Hinojosa. Maybe it will be Johnny Depp after a few tanning-booth sessions.

Now, I’ve seen objections in the blogosphere to this most uplifting of tales. Some people are so filled with rage at anything Hispanic that they will twist even inspirational tales to fit a xenophobic agenda. It’s a knee-jerk emotional reaction, which I’m sure Quiñones-Hinojosa could tell you is controlled by the amygdale portion of your brain.

My favorite comment was “One brain surgeon does not legitimize millions of illegals.” No, I guess mathematically it does not.

Still, how about we celebrate this guy’s tremendous achievement rather than taking another shot at immigration? What is Quiñones-Hinojosa’s story but the American Dream come true, which is what we’re all supposed to be encouraging? He worked hard against enormous obstacles, embraced education, and is contributing a rare and crucial skill to American society.

I mean, damn, that’s most cool.

To be fair, I’m sure being a brain surgeon has its own set of problems. For starters, the guy is probably sick of people dismissing his accomplishments with “Well, you’re no rocket scientist.”

The Fanatic doesn’t celebrate many milestones. Perhaps it’s because of a sullen cynicism bred into the very core of my Gen X being. Or maybe it’s centuries of Latino paranoia that makes me think, “Somebody in a position of power is going to steal this moment from me.” Or perhaps it’s my strong sense of humility and modesty that prevents me from boasting… actually, who are we kidding? It can’t possibly be that last one.

In any case, I’m going to take a moment to acknowledge the significance of this post. It the one hundredth piece to be published on The Hispanic Fanatic.

Yes, I know. Pop the champagne (or perhaps more appropriately, pour that tequila). It’s been fun, and even enlightening, for me to post all these observations, anecdotes, opinions, profiles, and rants that would otherwise just rattle around in my obsessive-compulsive mind.

Because of these one hundred pieces, I have received dozens of insightful comments, had my worldview challenged, provoked the occasional reader, gotten into a flame war with an angry Chicano, snagged a gig at the Huffington Post, and pissed off at least one member of my family.

So I’ve enjoyed it, and I plan to go on as long as I have something to say. It could be a month or a decade. I guess we’ll see. In the meantime, I thank you for reading.