Hispanic Fanatic

Throughout history, people have been willing to die for only a handful of ideals. These include the following: 

Family

Country

God

Freedom

And to that brief list, we can now add “gross domestic product.”

Yes, our old friends in the GOP have clearly stated what they’ve only hinted at before, which is that nothing — not even human life — is as precious as money.

You see, the Republican lieutenant governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, recently implied that all this social distancing is absurd, because the economy is suffering. Patrick said Americans should be “willing to take a chance on your survival in exchange for keeping the America that all America loves for your children and grandchildren.”

Of course, “the America that all America loves” is a nation where people live from paycheck to paycheck, don’t have basic healthcare, and cower in fear of their rich overlords, who feel entitled to work them to death. But those are just details. The point is that we should all be honored to collapse in the streets if it means the Dow Jones goes into a bull market.

Now, you might think that literally killing yourself just to keep the unemployment rate low is not exactly a noble demise. That’s where you’re wrong.

Because our president, that most stable of geniuses, is shrieking that economic malaise will eat you and your grandma if we don’t get back to the office soon. Trump has declared that he “wants the nation ‘opened up and just raring to go by Easter’ — a date just more than two weeks away that few health experts believe will be sufficient in containing the spread of coronavirus.”

Trump is making this demand — which is completely unenforceable, by the way — because he is concerned that if people stay at home much longer, the Great Depression II will explode and sink his odds of being reelected.

That would be strange, considering that the media insisted “economic anxiety” was the main reason poor white people voted for Trump in the first place. If that was true in 2016, they will be even happier to vote for him in 2020, when they will be even more economically anxious, right?

Right?

Ahem.

In any case, there is absolutely no evidence that ending the lockdowns and throwing open the doors of every store in America will actually prevent a recession. In fact, many experts believe that rushing back to our crowded, elbow-bumping lifestyles will only backfire and that “the fallout will be worse if the White House declares victory now, only to have the virus resurface in coming weeks or months.”

But hey, it’s worth a shot, isn’t it? After all, the only risk is driving up the death rate of Covid-19 until it reaches genocidal levels. And considering those extra victims will be mostly old people who aren’t contributing to the bottom line anyway, it’s obviously time to shout, “We’re back in business, baby!”

Hey, we might as well circle “an arbitrary date on the calendar and decide that, on that day, everything is going to be fine.”

Now, as powerful as the drive to post record profits is, there remains yet another reason why conservatives see no need to isolate ourselves when we could be out in public, shopping and drinking and coughing in each other’s faces.

And it is this:

We are exceptional.

I mean, we’ve certainly heard it enough over the past few decades. Americans are the best, the greatest, the smartest, the strongest, the purest, the biggest, the baddest, and in general, the most likely to crush adversity in our giant, super-patriotic hands. This is American exceptionalism.

But there is one tiny issue with this viewpoint, which is that “American exceptionalism — like its machismo requires that we believe, even against the testimony of experts and the evidence of our own eyes, that the ‘greatness’ of America is eternal and invulnerable.”

We believe our standard of living is the best, when every statistic shows that it is not. We believe our kids are the brightest, even though the other industrialized nations kick our ass in education. And we believe that we have the “greatest healthcare system in the world,” which has never been remotely true, and is all the more glaring in its absurdity now that our hospitals are buckling under the strain of the coronavirus.

Despite these clear facts, we insist that our nation is the best (whatever that means) and “that the chief contribution citizens can make to American greatness is to act as if nothing is wrong.”

It is in our national character to bellow, in defiance of all proof, that we are blessed. Our default setting is to think that we are so favored by God, so intrinsically virtuous, and so insanely powerful that the only way we will catch Covid-19 is if we grab a fistful of viruses and lick them for ten minutes straight. Also, if you get sick, you probably didn’t work hard enough or pray the right way.

However, we should remember something before we dismiss all scientific and medical advice, and rush out into the world to show how tough we are.

You see, the virus “isn’t watching the bar-going hordes and thinking, ‘Wow, I really misjudged these brave Americans; I’m not sure I’m up to this.’”

Covid-19 isn’t intimidated by our resilience or courage or tenacity or whatever pretty adjective we use to describe reckless disregard for our fellow citizens. The virus is not impressed.

And the truth is that there is nothing exceptional about dropping dead.

Crying won’t help you
Praying won’t do you no good
Now crying won’t help you
Praying won’t do you no good
When the levee breaks
Mama you got to move
Going down
Going down now

“When the Levee Breaks”

— Led Zeppelin (& Memphis Minnie)

During this time of crisis, it might be nice to have someone in charge who is not a doddering sociopath who has no experience dealing with crises, can’t grasp details, insists he knows more than experts in any given field, ignores facts he doesn’t like, lies out of instinct, surrounds himself with incompetent yes men, has a history of bankruptcy and failure, and possesses complete disdain for anyone who isn’t related to him and/or can make him money. Plus, it would be beneficial if he knew how basic science works.

But maybe that’s just me.

Yes, the theoretical main motivation for Trump voters — i.e., to elect someone who will “shake things up” — appears even more spectacularly pathetic now than it did in 2016. 

The coronavirus — or as the GOP refers to it, the Chinese Yellow Peril Death Plot — has ended any talk among conservatives of enacting more of their reactionary agenda.

I mean, remember when Trump insisted that he would build a wall on our Southern border, and that Mexico would pay for it? Really, do any Americans — even the racists — give one-quarter of a fuck about that idea now? The sad hucksterism of “Build the Wall” has been revealed. But of course, people barely remember that bizarre goal (or the millions of dollars wasted on it).

They are too busy denying that the COVID-19 is real, or if it is real, that it is Soros-funded plot. Or that Trump has it all under control even though it’s perfectly clear that a blind orangutan thrust into the Oval Office could do a better job.

Those of us who accept the science behind this catastrophe know that older Americans are most at risk. And in a darkly twisted bit of irony, senior citizens constitute a key demographic of Trump’s support. During the last election, many seniors wanted a return to their childhoods of the 1950s (i.e., no blacks or Latinos living next door), and admired a guy who talked tough, with none of that PC bullshit.

However, it’s becoming clear that insulting ethnic minorities doesn’t facilitate an effective government response to a pandemic. And a virus doesn’t care how tough you talk. So those qualifications are, to say the least, unhelpful during this accelerating crisis.

No, the savior of baby boomers doesn’t appear to be saving them. In fact, he apparently thought so little of their well-being that he prioritized his re-election campaign ahead of their safety. That is, of course, a dereliction of duty and a violation of the president’s oath to defend the country, which in turn, is arguably an impeachable offense. But hey, we played that game already, and the GOP assured us that it was in the nation’s best interests to keep their easily distracted ball of rage in the White House.

I wonder if they have changed their minds, considering that the person they so strenuously defended mere months ago has now committed the worst mistake in presidential history (all while denying any responsibility for his own incompetence).

In truth, “the coronavirus is quite likely to be the Trump presidency’s inflection point, when everything changed, when the bluster and ignorance and shallowness of America’s 45th president became undeniable, an empirical reality, as indisputable as the laws of science or a mathematical equation.”

And all that bullshit about shaking things up, or making America great, or keeping the world safe for elderly white people? 

Yeah, that was all just talk. Nobody believes that nonsense anymore.

Only rarely do I quote Kajagoogoo.

OK, I’ve never quoted Kajagoogoo, and if you have to Google this band, you are clearly not Gen X.

In any case, this one-hit wonder from the 1980s had a big hit with their song Too Shy.

It’s possible that this British synth band was so prescient that they were actually flash-forwarding to 2020 and singing about Trump voters.

OK, it’s impossible. So forget everything I’ve said so far.

The point is that political scientists and pollsters both insist that there is a very real phenomenon known as the “shy Trump voter.”

The theory is that our president is so, shall we say, controversial that many of his fans are reluctant to just come out and admit that he has their vote. In fact, “there is evidence that … there are a lot of people out there who are still afraid of saying to a pollster that they support this president.”

I can’t imagine why someone would be reluctant to say, “Yes, I’m all for a racist misogynist who indulges in overt corruption, fawns over dictators, stuffs kids into cages, rewards appalling incompetence, babbles incoherently, and given enough time, will kill us all.”

But that’s just me.

Pollsters often account for social desirability bias when they gauge people’s opinions. That’s why surveys seldom include questions like “Are you a bigot?” That’s way too much of a shock to the psyche, and even people responding anonymously are likely to say, “What? Me a bigot? No way!”

So pollsters are more likely to ask vague questions about bias and preferences, then crunch it all together to siphon out how much actual bigotry is out there (spoiler: it’s a lot).

But you can’t really do that when you ask citizens who they are voting for. And so, the theory goes, the shy Trump voter will display an “unwillingness to express support for Trump when asked by another human being.”

If true, it means that Trump’s support is chronically underestimated, and Democrats who take comfort in Joe Biden’s theoretical leadare fooling themselves.

However, there are three problems with this thesis.

First, there is the fact that many political experts believe that the whole theory is bullshit.

Second, there is a vast amount of anecdotal evidence that Trump supporters are the least shy people on Earth. We’re talking about whole arenas full of screaming fanatics who wave Q signs, dress in right-wing regalia, bellow idiotic catchphrases, and shriek at anyone who disagrees with them. And as someone who has been harassed online, I can vouch for the ferocity of Trump’s followers. 

Really, these are timid people?

Third, even if there are individuals who remain reluctant to express support for Trump, we shouldn’t refer to them as “shy.” Giving them this inoffensive moniker is conservative PC nonsense that spares their feelings. So let’s be clear.

They are not shy. They are ashamed.

They know, on some level at least, that they have sided with ignorance, hatred, and fear. They know that they have caused enormous damage to the country, and possibly the world, in exchange for a tiny, temporary uptick in their 401(k), or for a slight feeling of comfort that the dreaded “other” isn’t moving in next door tomorrow.

They know that they are endorsing a vile philosophy, and that their principles collapsed when subjected to the slightest bit of pressure. They know all this.

They just don’t want to say it out loud.

So don’t call them “shy.”

In closing, there is one more crucial concept that you should know, one additional vital fact that you have to acknowledge.

And it is this:

Kajagoogoo was not the greatest one-hit wonder of the 1980s.

That would be Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

Fight me.

One of my favorite novels is Stephen King’s The Stand. But that doesn’t mean I want to live it.

Yes, as we all know, the coronavirus is here to decimate our population, destroy our civilization, and in an absolute worst-case scenario, cause our millionaires to lose some money in the stock market.

Experts are still trying to figure out if this is the second coming of the Spanish Flu (which killed 5% of the world) or if it’s the most overhyped near-calamity since the Y2K bug.

But in any case, we shouldn’t worry. Because our mega-super genius of a president has a master plan to —

Ha, no.

As we all know, the odds of Trump handling this crisis well are about the same odds as your pet schnauzer winning the Kentucky Derby.

Even his hardcore supporters know that the guy can’t handle this. They elected the man to shake things up, or burn down the system, or undertake some other metaphor that conjures up images of devastation. Trump voters never dreamed that their beloved doddering reality-show host would actually have to deal with a national emergency. He was just supposed to ban the Muslims and deport the Latinos, not come up with a comprehensive approach to fighting a global pandemic. Oh, the injustice of it all.

Early indicators are that the most racist chief executive in history is not up to the task. After all, we’ve already endured disastrous news conferences where Trump has claimed that we will develop a vaccine for the coronavirus quickly, “when in fact there is little chance that will happen.” Hell, the president doesn’t even appear to know how vaccines work, and he’s implied that stricken people should just go into work and spread the disease among their co-workers.

So our prevention efforts are off to a good start.

Now, it’s not just that Trump distrusts science, “always believes he knows more than the experts about any given subject,” and “has increasingly surrounded himself with a team of acolytes who will not challenge him.”

No, there is also the fact that it is difficult “for the public to believe a president who has made more than 16,000 false or misleading claims in his first three years in office.” 

Put it all together, and there is a slight chance that the virus may yet accomplish what impeachment, the Mueller Report, and myriad scandals, fuck-ups, and immoral actions have not, which is to “throw a spotlight on the Trump administration’s criminal negligence,” massive corruption, and idiotic incompetence.

Hey, even Wall Street analysts are saying that a botched response to the virus “may increase the likelihood of Democratic victory in the 2020 election.”

But I will go even further. I will state the following:

This is the election. This microscopic bug — right here. This will likely decide who the next president is. We are in its hands.

You see, if coronavirus unleashes a wave of illness across America — and in a truly horrific scenario, kills thousands — it will be impossible for even Trump and his squad of conspiratorial lunatics to claim that it is fake news. If the stock market plummets, and the economy shudders, many Americans will finally declare that they have had enough of Trumpian chaos.

Conversely, if the virus burns itself out and doesn’t sicken too many Americans, and the economic turmoil is relatively slight, well then, team Trump will claim that the president vanquished the bug and singlehandedly saved the nation (even if, as is virtually 100 percent certain in this scenario, the administration just got lucky despite its inevitable bungling).

Everything that has come before this has just been set-up, politically speaking. This virus now controls our fate.

You can ponder the insanity of that all you want.

Just don’t forget to wash your hands.