Hispanic Fanatic

We are a couple of months into the reign of the House GOP, and thus far, Republicans have tamed inflation and ended all crime in America.

Ha, not really. But it doesn’t matter, because you probably forgot that this was their whole campaign pitch last year. It was all, “vote Republican, or thugs will murder you and run off with your milk that cost $89 per gallon.”

Once Republicans actually took over the House, however, they “turned to investigations, abortion, threatening the national debt, and trying to defund the Internal Revenue Service rather than dealing with the issues they insisted were vital in 2022: crime and inflation.”

Currently, the GOP is working hard to convince Americans that the January 6 riots weren’t that bad, that trans people are coming to eat everyone’s babies, and that “woke” is a horrific, Lovecraftian monster so terrifying that it literally defies description.

Congressional Republicans spend their days on hearings designed to expose the Deep State’s weaponization of government, only to flop so badly that even fellow conservatives have tuned out on a “slow-moving train wreck” that exposes nothing more alarming than GOP incompetence.

And when Republicans aren’t spreading conspiracy theories or calling their opponents pedophiles, they are looking “backward resolutely and angrily to an imagined past,” completely oblivious and indifferent to the fact that they are “out of step with the majority of Americans on issues like LGBTQ rights, climate change, gun safety, and abortion.”

But hey, don’t go thinking that the GOP will change course, just because their agenda is ludicrous and millions of Americans hate their ideas. Keep in mind that the “oppressiveness and unpopularity of any particular policy has rarely deterred this bunch from pursuing it.”

Republican leaders know that “the MAGA base will ride and die for this right-wing culture war predominantly animated by fear and racial anxiety.” 

Now, on a human level, this grotesque ploy always backfires. After all, the GOP manipulates “white victimhood and rage… to win over — and kill — their own voters.”

But on a political level, it’s a big winner. Rage-filled conservatives continue to vote Republican, even if it is perfectly clear that the only beneficiaries of GOP policies are billionaires and corporations.

Yes, ever since Reagan, the US has “moved toward an economic policy that often allows corporations to behave as they want, based on the theory that the free market will solve any excesses.” But to be blunt, “the results haven’t been very good,” evident by the fact that during that time, “economic growth has slowed, corporate profits have risen faster than wages, income inequality has soared, and living standards have grown slowly.”

But if you try to explain that to a working-class guy living in small town, he will just shout about freedom and critical race theory and gay immigrants.

And he will vote Republican.

If the woke mob is indeed coming for you, they are taking their damn time.

You see, everyone from smug governors to elitist talk-show hosts to beleaguered cartoonists insist that rich white men are being canceled, with hordes of liberal aggressors poised to crush conservatives beneath an avalanche of stomping Birkenstocks.

But in truth, you are far less likely to encounter a woke mob than you are, say, a pack of snarling fascists with bullhorns screaming threats.

Yes, recently a crowd of “neo-Nazis in Florida yelled, ‘Heil Hitler’ and harassed Jewish residents during staged protests.” The white supremacists felt perfectly comfortable parading around in public, shouting insults and brandishing swastikas, in a state where that aforementioned smug governor has refused to condemn Nazis.

This was also around the time that some rando Gestapo lovers proclaimed a “National Day of Hate” that put law enforcement “across the nation on high alert.”

OK, so Nazis are happily prancing down the streets and issuing death threats without fear of repercussion. But that’s as far as it goes, right?

Um… no.

There is the even more ominous fact that a homeschooling network in Ohio is creating and distributing lesson plans based on Nazi ideology, which are then presented to children as educational materials. The network has over 2,400 members.

The founders of the Dissident Homeschool network include a Dutch immigrant who says she is “deeply invested into making sure that our child becomes a wonderful Nazi.”

I’m absolutely certain that there is no such thing as a wonderful Nazi. 

But while we’re discussing these homeschooling parents who shriek about the “dangers of diversity and how Indiana Jones movies are nothing more than Jewish revenge porn,” let me ask the following:

Whatever happened to the argument that immigrants have to assimilate to American values? 

I suppose that rule is waived for Dutch immigrants, by virtue of their blond hair and blue eyes. Or maybe Nazism has become enough of an American value, beloved as it is by so many citizens, that this immigrant is indeed assimilating.

Just ask the “neo-Nazi leader [who] planned to attack electrical substations encircling Baltimore and ‘completely destroy’ the entire city.” He likely considers himself a patriot. He is one of the many “domestic extremists who have openly advocated targeting a vulnerable power system.” This tactic is a central pillar of a “white-power philosophy called ‘accelerationism,’ which wants to destroy society and replace it with one based on their racist ideologies.”

Keep in mind that a new study shows that “domestic extremist mass killings have increased greatly in the past 12 years,” but that this increase is almost exclusively a conservative phenomenon. For example, “all the extremist killings in 2022 were committed by right-wing adherents, with 21 of 25 murders linked to white supremacists.”

Furthermore, the “number of U.S. mass killings linked to extremism over the past decade was at least three times higher than the total from any other 10-year period since the 1970s.” And you guessed it, “the main threat in the near future will likely be white supremacistshooters.”

Of course, there is an international element to this madness as well. It involves climate change, which is not just the main threat to humanity’s existence, but a prime recruiting tool for Nazism.

Damn, how does that work?

Well, as global warming heats up the planet, more climate refugees will be forced to leave their countries. And those nations accepting refugees will have plenty of “right-wing politicians who see both a threat and an opportunity.” These politicians, who “feel emboldened to portray migrants as a threat to national identity,” will ramp up the xenophobia, garnering more votes from easily scared white citizens. It will also lead to more young white men becoming Nazis, but hey, that’s not the problem of conservative demagogues hustling for votes, is it?

In any case, we face a future where white supremacists are trying to destroy America from within, and Nazis are making a comeback in every industrialized nation on Earth. 

Suddenly, the woke mob doesn’t seem so bad.

It’s ok to laugh, at least a little. After all, the whole damn thing is a joke. It’s a farce of epic proportions and a black comedy laced with schadenfreude.

I’m referring, of course, to the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives, a haphazard free-for-all that featured the most contentious speakership election in a century. We lost track of how often the word “McCarthy” accompanied the phrases “stinging defeat” and “public humiliation,” which is always a good sign for a political leader.

But at last, the GOP elected a new speaker, a guy so popular within his party that it took only 15 votes to elect him. By the way, don’t you wish you had 15 attempts to accomplish a goal? Yes, most of us would never be denied a promotion over a dozen times, because that level of incompetence would likely get us fired long before that.

If you are a mediocre white male conservative, however, you get as many chances as you want to win, until everyone just accepts that you’re the boss—at least in name.

You see, the incoming speaker of the house made so many concessions to a small contingent of lunatics that he is basically being held hostage. It’s almost like appeasing fascists makes them bolder. 

By the way, nothing says “strong leader” like groveling to idiots. These insurrectionists so thoroughly owned the negotiations that they ran out of things to ask for.

I hear the final package includes daily foot messages for every member of the Freedom Caucus. Plus, McCarthy will personally fetch their dry cleaning and let Matt Gaetz slap his face twice a week.

In truth, we don’t really know what’s in the rules package, because the GOP rushed to chisel the deal into stone before everybody could find out that Lauren Boebert is now legally allowed to fire a bazooka at anyone she deems un-American.

At one point during the voting, Republican congressmen almost came to blows, leading us once again to ponder why right-wing men are so in love with violence. Seriously, they constantly want to punch someone, shoot someone, or bomb someone—even their own allies.

With the metal detectors at the capitol mysteriously removed, it is likely just a matter of time before some GOP rep takes a shot at a fellow lawmaker. I wouldn’t be surprised if this heavily armed, easily agitated crowd turns the capitol into the OK Corral.

In any case, the GOP won the House because they convinced enough gullible voters that Republicans would tackle inflation and bring down gas prices. And sure enough, the first thing the GOP has addressed is inflation and improving the quality of life for all Americans.

Ha. No.

To the surprise of nobody with an IQ over 50, the Republicans’ top priority is making it easier for wealthy people to cheat on their taxes. The GOP is “fiercely loyal to the rich and the powerful, and they enthusiastically mislead ordinary Americans to serve those interests.” 

The GOP’s second priority is revenge—plain and simple. The Republican House will investigate Biden, his family, and probably the Biden family’s neighbor’s best friend’s dentist before they are done. They will also harass the law enforcement agencies that they claim to revere so much. And they will launch expensive, time-consuming investigations that are solely “about grievances” and serve as a cover for “folks who are already under investigation trying to protect themselves.”

Oh, and they also want to decimate Social Security, but you knew that already.

Clearly, McCarthy’s “hollow victory will have economic and political consequences.”

Their approach will be based upon faux patriotism and owning the libs. It will be about gaining power for its own sake, and “to the extent that Republicans want to give the appearance of caring about governing,” they will slash and burn their way through Congress with no idea of what they are doing and no principles for doing it. This is because “the endgame now is chaos itself.”

So what are we supposed to do with this gaggle of clowns? Take them seriously?

No, the only appropriate responses are mockery or dread. 

It’s our own little circus of the damned.

The words “political divide” have become part of our national lexicon. Until a few years ago, you didn’t hear the phrase too often, but now it joins other ubiquitous expressions that we never wanted to know—like “cryptocurrency fraud” or “celebrity YouTuber.”

In any case, our political divide has never been wider.

And I’m not just talking about philosophies. 

Yes, one side wants to make it easier for people to get health care and attend college. The other side wants to destroy democracy and create a Christian nationalist dystopia. 

So you see the subtle differences.

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It is human nature to seek out people who share our interests. 

In the quest for connection, we may join a book club. Or perhaps we sign up for a volleyball team.

Or maybe we enlist in a hellish army of tyrannical thugs who seek to overthrow governments, subjugate minorities, and stomp on the skulls of their enemies.

Hey, whatever works for you.

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All of us know the sting of failure.

Maybe we came up short in the big game, or got passed over for that promotion, or just sucked at trivia night after too many drinks.

But consider the tenacity of Cha Sa-soon, an elderly woman who failed the South Korean drivers’ test 960 times. She spent over $10,000 taking and retaking the test until she finally passed. The woman now holds the world’s record for most failed attempts.

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It’s enough to make you feel bad for William Jennings Bryan. 

Of course, you may fuzzily recall this guy’s name from your high school history class. Today, Bryan is remembered for three things:

Giving the Cross of Gold speech, whatever that was.

Looking like a buffoon during the Scopes Monkey Trail.

Becoming the only nominee of a major political party to lose the popular vote three times.

But that last shred of infamy is in serious jeopardy, because the homunculus of racism—Donald Trump—recently announced that he is back, baby, and running for president once more.

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The most disturbing statistic I have seen recently is the following: Trump voters are 50% more likely than Biden voters to be sperm donors.

This creeps me out on a political, cultural, and even biological level.

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Every American under the age of 30 has conscious memory of just two Republican presidents.

One was a blithering idiot who led the nation into disaster.

The other was a sociopathic lunatic who led the nation into disaster.

Note to Republicans: When the best of your best are stupid and/or crazy, maybe the problem is you.

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This year’s World Series did not feature my hometown Milwaukee Brewers, who failed to reach the Fall Classic for the 40th consecutive season. Just thought I would point that out.

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