Hispanic Fanatic

“He says, ‘Call it a fatwa if you wish,’ and I say, ‘Well, fuck you and fuck your fatwa.’”

Mark Leyner—The Tetherballs of Bougainville

You know when two unrelated events happen simultaneously, and then it later turns out that those desperate things are actually highly related? OK, that usually happens in twisty-turny Hollywood thrillers, but sometimes it transpires in real life. 

For example, the FBI recently executed a search warrant at the residence of a disgraced ex-president who had been hording classified documents—and maybe nuclear secrets—for some unknown reason that must be perfectly legit and not all criminal, corrupt, or terrifying. Soon after this, a lunatic stabbed acclaimed writer Salman Rushdie in the neck. 

So what do these two events have to do with one another?

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There’s a lot that progressives don’t understand about conservatives.

Why the screaming rage? Why the celebration of ignorance? Why the disdain for all non-fetal life? Why the virulent racism, misogyny, and homophobia? Why the hypocrisy, corruption, and… ok, this list is getting way too long.

In contrast, conservatives seem to have just one aspect of liberalism that perplexes them.

Why don’t progressives wave huge Biden flags and paint their trucks with images of the president’s face?

After all, if you don’t fly a massive MAGA banner and drive a pick-up adorned with images of Trump and Jesus playing golf, are you really a Republican?

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Scotland!

Yes, that’s right—Scotland!

OK, let me back up. 

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Pick your adjective: unsustainable, unworkable, ungovernable, maybe even unsalvageable.

Any one of these words describes the floundering American empire of 2022.

Yes, we all know that studies have shown that “an empire survives, on average, a mere 250 years.” And because America recently celebrated its 246^th birthday, this means you may want to reassess your hopes of chanting, “USA! USA!” into the next decade.

OK, the data on that 250 number is questionable, and some might boldly insist that America is not an empire. But what remains beyond doubt is that we can’t have a functioning government when one political party believes in science, and the other political party believes in Jewish space lasers and cyborg slaves of Satan. 

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According to promoters of American Exceptionalism, the United States has long been an outlier from other nations because of its freedom, economic opportunity, and national character of God-fearin’ tenacity. 

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We won’t be teaching history, because learning about it might trigger anxiety in white people.

We won’t be teaching science, because the theory of evolution offends Christian conservatives.

We won’t be teaching literature, because the list of banned books covers most of the library.

And now, we won’t be teaching math, because it’s too woke.

Yes, the Florida education department recently rejected dozens of mathematics textbooks for its K-12 curriculum, because they “incorporate prohibited topics or unsolicited strategies, including [critical race theory].”

Obviously, conservative lawmakers won’t be happy until public education consists of nothing but home economics, bible study, and five hours of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

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We all want think that we are bad asses, the kind of people who would smirk at death and shout, “Russian warship, go fuck yourself.”

But no, most of us would not do that. In fact, one of the humanity’s chief problems is our willingness to acquiesce so easily. As a wise man once said, “It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation… you were made to be ruled.”

This unpleasant fact has manifested itself in every culture at every time in human history. Some of the wisest minds of the ancient world thought it was perfectly natural to instill tiny children or drooling morons or insatiable murderers as rulers because their great-grandfathers had seized power and passed it down. Hey, somebody had to be in charge. Why not Caligula?

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There are no rapists in Texas.

We know this is true because last year, soon after the Lone Star State passed its wildly misogynistic anti-abortion ban, its governor said the law didn’t need an exemption for rape victims, because he was going to eliminate that crime in Texas.

However, the ensuing months have shown that this master plan has worked about as well you would have expected. Which is to say, it hasn’t worked at all.

Of course, such idiotic, outlandish, and flat-out insane statements from Republican officials are not surprising. On the contrary, for GOP leadership, they appear to be required.

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You can blame that son of bitch Martin Van Buren. 

Yes, I’m sure we all harbor animosity for America’s eighth president—right? The guy had few achievements, but one goal he accomplished still lingers, to the point of festering. Van Buren’s “longest-lasting contribution has been the two-party political system.”

So the fact that you have just two choices for president? Yeah, that’s old Marty’s doing.

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They’re coming for you. 

OK, I don’t know exactly who “they” are, but trust me, if you are a Republican, you’re next.

Yes, the “ludicrous idea that conservatives are particularly oppressed has been a theme of right-wing activism at large throughout the Trump era.” And we have now reached the logical conclusion of a political movement based upon fictional persecution, which is that “all of American life is a woke hellscape” that true patriots must vanquish.

For example, if a thuggish teenager murders a couple of leftists in the street, he becomes an “avatar of this imagined oppression for the next generation of conservatives,” who are outraged that “the system dared put him on trial for it.” Similarly, lunatics who stormed the capitol are the real victims of the January 6 riot, because some of them might miss their Caribbean vacations.

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