Hispanic Fanatic

We all want think that we are bad asses, the kind of people who would smirk at death and shout, “Russian warship, go fuck yourself.”

But no, most of us would not do that. In fact, one of the humanity’s chief problems is our willingness to acquiesce so easily. As a wise man once said, “It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation… you were made to be ruled.”

This unpleasant fact has manifested itself in every culture at every time in human history. Some of the wisest minds of the ancient world thought it was perfectly natural to instill tiny children or drooling morons or insatiable murderers as rulers because their great-grandfathers had seized power and passed it down. Hey, somebody had to be in charge. Why not Caligula?

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There are no rapists in Texas.

We know this is true because last year, soon after the Lone Star State passed its wildly misogynistic anti-abortion ban, its governor said the law didn’t need an exemption for rape victims, because he was going to eliminate that crime in Texas.

However, the ensuing months have shown that this master plan has worked about as well you would have expected. Which is to say, it hasn’t worked at all.

Of course, such idiotic, outlandish, and flat-out insane statements from Republican officials are not surprising. On the contrary, for GOP leadership, they appear to be required.

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You can blame that son of bitch Martin Van Buren. 

Yes, I’m sure we all harbor animosity for America’s eighth president—right? The guy had few achievements, but one goal he accomplished still lingers, to the point of festering. Van Buren’s “longest-lasting contribution has been the two-party political system.”

So the fact that you have just two choices for president? Yeah, that’s old Marty’s doing.

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They’re coming for you. 

OK, I don’t know exactly who “they” are, but trust me, if you are a Republican, you’re next.

Yes, the “ludicrous idea that conservatives are particularly oppressed has been a theme of right-wing activism at large throughout the Trump era.” And we have now reached the logical conclusion of a political movement based upon fictional persecution, which is that “all of American life is a woke hellscape” that true patriots must vanquish.

For example, if a thuggish teenager murders a couple of leftists in the street, he becomes an “avatar of this imagined oppression for the next generation of conservatives,” who are outraged that “the system dared put him on trial for it.” Similarly, lunatics who stormed the capitol are the real victims of the January 6 riot, because some of them might miss their Caribbean vacations.

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For the foreseeable future, whenever January arrives and people say, “Happy New Year,” we will pause and think, “Damn, it’s almost the anniversary of that fucking insurrection, isn’t it?”

Yes it is.

Of course, first anniversaries are the most intense. One solid year since you got married, or started a job, or became a pescatarian, or—as in this case—since a mob of racist, overly entitled, right-wing zealots stormed the capitol in a bloody caterwauling that has now been revealed to be an incompetent coup attempt.

Happy anniversary indeed.

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Our self-identity forms our core.

For example, you might consider yourself to be a radical vegan who aligns herself with the needy.

Perhaps you’re a high-powered corporate exec whose net worth and golf handicap are numbers that measure your very existence.

Or you could be a Gen X Latino progressive who loves Korean horror movies and has a thing for Kate Winslet.

Yeah, maybe.

But one thing is highly likely: You see your “political affiliation not as a choice but as an identity; that is, something not subject to change with time.”

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Some trends last longer than others.

For example, parachute pants were an instant joke and truly popular for about a week. Celebrity-owned restaurants were hot for a few years, and then we moved on. 

In contrast, classic rock had an incredible run. Whole generations grooved to the same 300 songs, until hip-hop and other genres finally vanquished the sound.

However, let me point out that Led Zeppelin still rules.

In any case, the list of fads and wacky trends that have run their course has a new entry. And that dying fad is democracy. 

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Among the 47 jobs I held in college—back when tuition was almost reasonable—was a gig with the US census. As part of the job, I walked around Milwaukee’s poorest neighborhoods, knocking on doors and asking the inhabitants how many people lived there, how many bathrooms were in the house, and other random questions that constituted the worst ice breakers of all time. I wrote their answers on my clipboard, and then moved on to the next nonplussed resident.

My job with the US census lasted for only a couple of months. Some of the other jobs I had in college were cafeteria worker, phlebotomist, press release writer, and test-tube washer. Seriously, those were my gigs.

In any case, my total contribution to the most recent census was filling it out and marking “Latino” in the ethnicity section. But that must have made an impact. 

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If you can’t beat ‘em, kill ‘em.

You would be forgiven if you believed that this was the GOP slogan for the midterms. After all, the modern conservative movement is not about lower taxes, traditional values, or all the other supposed principles that long obscured the right-wing predilection for violence. No, the Republican Party has quit the exhausting task of hiding its affinity for head-bashing, and instead, conservatives are openly celebrating mayhem. 

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The good news is that Republicans believe in elections again.

Yes, the GOP was ready to dismiss the gubernatorial race in Virginia as just another larcenous farce, but the election met with conservative approval when the Republican candidate won. You know the new governor — he was the guy who campaigned hard against cancel culture by vowing to cancel books by Black people. 

In any case, pundits are united in declaring this to be a harbinger of doom for Democrats in next year’s midterms, the following year’s presidential election, and every election for the remainder of the millennium. Indeed, Democrats will probably lose control of congress in 2022, and it will certainly be devastating if Republicans take over. After all, the GOP might stonewall Biden’s agenda, in contrast to today, when everything is just sailing through and… oh wait.

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