Hispanic Fanatic

By now, we were supposed to have enjoyed the thrilling spectacle of our mega-corrupt ex-president getting handcuffed and frog-marched off to jail. 

But our former chief executive was once again either factually wrong or bloviating hyperbole when he predicted his arrest. Because nothing happened, beyond rubes handing over their money — yet again — to an unrepentant, cackling conman.

Instead of being fitted for an orange jumpsuit, the guy who once advised Americans to gurgle bleach spent his time displaying totally normal behavior for a major political party’s leading contender for its presidential nomination. He “stood with his hand over his heart” as loudspeakers blared a rendition of the national anthem “sung by a group of inmates that are incarcerated for their role in the Jan. 6 Capitol riot.”

During the song, “images from the Capitol riot, in which Trump supporters stormed the complex to overturn the 2020 election, played on a screen.” And yes, Trump’s first official 2024 campaign rally was held in Waco, Texas, which is no coincidence because the town is synonymous with either crazed religious cults that abuse children or brave anti-government protesters — depending on your perspective.

In any case, the celebration of insurrection is popular with the GOP, which once insisted that Antifa was behind the January 6 violence but now says there was no violence at all (even though we all saw Trump supporters ransacking the building). I suppose this means there was no Antifa either, but who can keep all those meandering, contradictory, treacherous rationalizations straight anyway?

When they aren’t openly praising violent sedition, Republicans are threatening death and destruction. They are also trying to subvert laws that might prevent lunatics from threatening all that death and destruction in the first place.

Oh, they are also attempting to persuade Americans that a washed-up narcissist who committed multiple felonies when he paid hush money to a porn star is somehow being unjustly persecuted. Yes, if that isn’t a bedrock conservative principle, I don’t know what is.

Of course, Republicans are pretty good at gaslighting, obfuscating, and befuddling their followers. For example, a “far-right projectthat has helped spread Donald Trump’s false claims about voting fraud in 2020, and misinformation about Covid vaccines, is trying to expand its mission.” The organization “pushes disinformation using Christian nationalist messages” and proudly relies upon uneducated, hyper-religious Americans. 

Historians are bemoaning the fact that “for the first time, one of the major political parties displays contempt for learning” and is “dependent for its success on anti-intellectual postures.”

Hey, conservatives can’t even remember that their hero was president in 2020 (i.e., the worst year in recent history). Republicans blame everything horrible that happened during GOP administrations on Biden or Obama, which must be psychologically comforting but is deeply weird.

Eventually, the GOP will fold back in on itself to proclaim every negative event is an uplifting miracle. And millions of conservatives will place their hands over their hearts and sing along to the lies.

We are a couple of months into the reign of the House GOP, and thus far, Republicans have tamed inflation and ended all crime in America.

Ha, not really. But it doesn’t matter, because you probably forgot that this was their whole campaign pitch last year. It was all, “vote Republican, or thugs will murder you and run off with your milk that cost $89 per gallon.”

Once Republicans actually took over the House, however, they “turned to investigations, abortion, threatening the national debt, and trying to defund the Internal Revenue Service rather than dealing with the issues they insisted were vital in 2022: crime and inflation.”

Currently, the GOP is working hard to convince Americans that the January 6 riots weren’t that bad, that trans people are coming to eat everyone’s babies, and that “woke” is a horrific, Lovecraftian monster so terrifying that it literally defies description.

Congressional Republicans spend their days on hearings designed to expose the Deep State’s weaponization of government, only to flop so badly that even fellow conservatives have tuned out on a “slow-moving train wreck” that exposes nothing more alarming than GOP incompetence.

And when Republicans aren’t spreading conspiracy theories or calling their opponents pedophiles, they are looking “backward resolutely and angrily to an imagined past,” completely oblivious and indifferent to the fact that they are “out of step with the majority of Americans on issues like LGBTQ rights, climate change, gun safety, and abortion.”

But hey, don’t go thinking that the GOP will change course, just because their agenda is ludicrous and millions of Americans hate their ideas. Keep in mind that the “oppressiveness and unpopularity of any particular policy has rarely deterred this bunch from pursuing it.”

Republican leaders know that “the MAGA base will ride and die for this right-wing culture war predominantly animated by fear and racial anxiety.” 

Now, on a human level, this grotesque ploy always backfires. After all, the GOP manipulates “white victimhood and rage… to win over — and kill — their own voters.”

But on a political level, it’s a big winner. Rage-filled conservatives continue to vote Republican, even if it is perfectly clear that the only beneficiaries of GOP policies are billionaires and corporations.

Yes, ever since Reagan, the US has “moved toward an economic policy that often allows corporations to behave as they want, based on the theory that the free market will solve any excesses.” But to be blunt, “the results haven’t been very good,” evident by the fact that during that time, “economic growth has slowed, corporate profits have risen faster than wages, income inequality has soared, and living standards have grown slowly.”

But if you try to explain that to a working-class guy living in small town, he will just shout about freedom and critical race theory and gay immigrants.

And he will vote Republican.

Yes, things have been grim in America for the past few years. To be honest, they haven’t been that great for a couple of decades now.

In fact, a serious case can be made that the nation’s high-water mark was the 1990s, when we had grunge rock, the X-files, a booming economy, and a conservative movement that was going crazy (but not yet fully psychotic). 

Also, I was still young, which is, when you think about it, really the most important thing.

But in the spirit of optimism — and before we get too far into 2023 and allow it to crush us like the other 2020s so far — I will point out several positive developments.

First, child poverty has “dramatically decreased in the U.S. over the past 25 years.” The chief reason may be the Child Tax Credit, which helped cut child poverty by roughly 30 percent. 

Of course, that tax credit has now been eliminated, so there is a chance the rate will go up again. And compared to “other developed nations, child poverty rates in America remain higher than the rest.”

But hey, let’s not kill the vibe.

Moving on, we see that the rates of cervical cancer have “dropped an astonishing 65% among women in their early 20s.” This is primarily because of vaccinations against the human papillomavirus (HPV), which causes this type of cancer. So many women have taken advantage of the HPV vaccine that herd immunity has kicked in, and “rates have dropped among unvaccinated women as well.”

It’s true that many religious zealots refuse to let their teenage daughters get vaccinated because they would literally rather have their kids get cancer than engage in premarital sex, but… ha, I see what you did there. Almost got me to go negative, didn’t you?

Nope, we’re going to continue on the good-news train.

Here’s something: inflation is slowing down, and the federal budget deficit has fallen significantly, going from $2.6 trillion to $1.4 trillion.

These are very positive economic developments, and everyone can cheer them. Well, except for Republicans, who are determined to drive America into default and wreck the economy out of some bizarre desire to punish Biden or parade their ignorance or just burn everything down. Who can tell anymore?

No, we are staying positive. 

So ignore all that GOP nonsense and move on to this intriguing fact: The racial gap in death rates of covid has disappeared.

We all know that the pandemic hit ethnic minorities far harder than white people, but “in a country with deep racial inequities, where covid was initially another tragic example, the virus is no longer disproportionately harming Black and Hispanic Americans.” This improvement is due to “passionate advocacy and hard work by many community health officials.”

That’s uplifting, right?

Don’t be a buzzkill by pointing out that “this accomplishment continues to receive relatively little attention,” probably because “the remaining pool of unvaccinated Americans is disproportionately Republican, and Republicans are disproportionately white.”

You see, white Republicans don’t want to admit that vaccines work, and that the pandemic was real. And the mainstream media does whatever white Republicans say, which is another example of the lobsided balance of power in this country and how we all bend over backward to appease ignorance.

It doesn’t even matter that Latinos “suffered more COVID-19 deaths per 100,000 people than most other racial and ethnic groups for most of the pandemic” and that “the Latino community’s rising prosperity may be in jeopardy” because of the devastation that the virus wrought. 

But no, let’s talk about how white Republicans can’t have their feelings hurt and…

Stop. Stay calm. Ok, moving on.

Another upbeat development is that there has been mild progress on climate change, as “renewable power soars, vulnerable ecosystems gain rights, and climate protocols start to pay dividends.”

That’s almost enough to make you forget that “the oil giant Exxon privately ‘predicted global warming correctly and skillfully’ only to then spend decades publicly rubbishing such science in order to protect its core business.”

It turns out that “the only thing Exxon did better than predicting the future was lying about it.” If you need a refresher on how evil corporations can be, and how climate denialism indicates sheer idiocy, this is “your umpteenth reminder that we’ve known about the coming (now here) disaster for decades.”

Well, my quest for positive news is getting shaky now. Perhaps I can combine my last two items — the pandemic and climate change — into one hopeful story.

Yes, here it is: As global temperatures rise, it becomes “more likely that viruses and bacteria locked up in glaciers and permafrost could reawaken and infect local wildlife.” This means that the next killer pandemic may not come “from bats or birds but from matter in melting ice.”

So if the heat doesn’t kill us, the viruses will.

Damn. There goes all my optimism.

Ok, what was I saying about the 1990s? Yeah, I guess those were the motherfucking days.

At least we’ll always have Soundgarden.

It’s ok to laugh, at least a little. After all, the whole damn thing is a joke. It’s a farce of epic proportions and a black comedy laced with schadenfreude.

I’m referring, of course, to the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives, a haphazard free-for-all that featured the most contentious speakership election in a century. We lost track of how often the word “McCarthy” accompanied the phrases “stinging defeat” and “public humiliation,” which is always a good sign for a political leader.

But at last, the GOP elected a new speaker, a guy so popular within his party that it took only 15 votes to elect him. By the way, don’t you wish you had 15 attempts to accomplish a goal? Yes, most of us would never be denied a promotion over a dozen times, because that level of incompetence would likely get us fired long before that.

If you are a mediocre white male conservative, however, you get as many chances as you want to win, until everyone just accepts that you’re the boss—at least in name.

You see, the incoming speaker of the house made so many concessions to a small contingent of lunatics that he is basically being held hostage. It’s almost like appeasing fascists makes them bolder. 

By the way, nothing says “strong leader” like groveling to idiots. These insurrectionists so thoroughly owned the negotiations that they ran out of things to ask for.

I hear the final package includes daily foot messages for every member of the Freedom Caucus. Plus, McCarthy will personally fetch their dry cleaning and let Matt Gaetz slap his face twice a week.

In truth, we don’t really know what’s in the rules package, because the GOP rushed to chisel the deal into stone before everybody could find out that Lauren Boebert is now legally allowed to fire a bazooka at anyone she deems un-American.

At one point during the voting, Republican congressmen almost came to blows, leading us once again to ponder why right-wing men are so in love with violence. Seriously, they constantly want to punch someone, shoot someone, or bomb someone—even their own allies.

With the metal detectors at the capitol mysteriously removed, it is likely just a matter of time before some GOP rep takes a shot at a fellow lawmaker. I wouldn’t be surprised if this heavily armed, easily agitated crowd turns the capitol into the OK Corral.

In any case, the GOP won the House because they convinced enough gullible voters that Republicans would tackle inflation and bring down gas prices. And sure enough, the first thing the GOP has addressed is inflation and improving the quality of life for all Americans.

Ha. No.

To the surprise of nobody with an IQ over 50, the Republicans’ top priority is making it easier for wealthy people to cheat on their taxes. The GOP is “fiercely loyal to the rich and the powerful, and they enthusiastically mislead ordinary Americans to serve those interests.” 

The GOP’s second priority is revenge—plain and simple. The Republican House will investigate Biden, his family, and probably the Biden family’s neighbor’s best friend’s dentist before they are done. They will also harass the law enforcement agencies that they claim to revere so much. And they will launch expensive, time-consuming investigations that are solely “about grievances” and serve as a cover for “folks who are already under investigation trying to protect themselves.”

Oh, and they also want to decimate Social Security, but you knew that already.

Clearly, McCarthy’s “hollow victory will have economic and political consequences.”

Their approach will be based upon faux patriotism and owning the libs. It will be about gaining power for its own sake, and “to the extent that Republicans want to give the appearance of caring about governing,” they will slash and burn their way through Congress with no idea of what they are doing and no principles for doing it. This is because “the endgame now is chaos itself.”

So what are we supposed to do with this gaggle of clowns? Take them seriously?

No, the only appropriate responses are mockery or dread. 

It’s our own little circus of the damned.

The words “political divide” have become part of our national lexicon. Until a few years ago, you didn’t hear the phrase too often, but now it joins other ubiquitous expressions that we never wanted to know—like “cryptocurrency fraud” or “celebrity YouTuber.”

In any case, our political divide has never been wider.

And I’m not just talking about philosophies. 

Yes, one side wants to make it easier for people to get health care and attend college. The other side wants to destroy democracy and create a Christian nationalist dystopia. 

So you see the subtle differences.

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It is human nature to seek out people who share our interests. 

In the quest for connection, we may join a book club. Or perhaps we sign up for a volleyball team.

Or maybe we enlist in a hellish army of tyrannical thugs who seek to overthrow governments, subjugate minorities, and stomp on the skulls of their enemies.

Hey, whatever works for you.

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All of us know the sting of failure.

Maybe we came up short in the big game, or got passed over for that promotion, or just sucked at trivia night after too many drinks.

But consider the tenacity of Cha Sa-soon, an elderly woman who failed the South Korean drivers’ test 960 times. She spent over $10,000 taking and retaking the test until she finally passed. The woman now holds the world’s record for most failed attempts.

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It’s enough to make you feel bad for William Jennings Bryan. 

Of course, you may fuzzily recall this guy’s name from your high school history class. Today, Bryan is remembered for three things:

Giving the Cross of Gold speech, whatever that was.

Looking like a buffoon during the Scopes Monkey Trail.

Becoming the only nominee of a major political party to lose the popular vote three times.

But that last shred of infamy is in serious jeopardy, because the homunculus of racism—Donald Trump—recently announced that he is back, baby, and running for president once more.

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The most disturbing statistic I have seen recently is the following: Trump voters are 50% more likely than Biden voters to be sperm donors.

This creeps me out on a political, cultural, and even biological level.

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Every American under the age of 30 has conscious memory of just two Republican presidents.

One was a blithering idiot who led the nation into disaster.

The other was a sociopathic lunatic who led the nation into disaster.

Note to Republicans: When the best of your best are stupid and/or crazy, maybe the problem is you.

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