Hispanic Fanatic

We won’t be teaching history, because learning about it might trigger anxiety in white people.

We won’t be teaching science, because the theory of evolution offends Christian conservatives.

We won’t be teaching literature, because the list of banned books covers most of the library.

And now, we won’t be teaching math, because it’s too woke.

Yes, the Florida education department recently rejected dozens of mathematics textbooks for its K-12 curriculum, because they “incorporate prohibited topics or unsolicited strategies, including [critical race theory].”

Obviously, conservative lawmakers won’t be happy until public education consists of nothing but home economics, bible study, and five hours of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

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I admit that I got bullied into it.

Yes, friends and relatives had raved to me about discovering their genetic heritage, but it all seemed a bit silly. As I understood it, you send your DNA sample to a lab, and a few months later, you find out that you’re 10% French and have a fourth cousin in Pennsylvania. What does one do with such knowledge?

However, after I received a DNA kit for my birthday—really, how random is that?—I went ahead and did the cheek swab. Recently, I received my test results, and they were intriguing. 

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Some jerk cut me off in traffic today, so I chased him at high speed until he crashed. Then I pulled him out of his car, punched him bloody, and smashed his windshield with a rock.

Well, no, that didn’t actually happen. Yes, I got cut off in traffic, which is a near-daily occurrence because I live in Los Angeles. But I didn’t chase the guy. 

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Here’s some good news: We Americans are officially happier than the French. A recent report that measures happiness says the USA ranks well above France with all its existentialism, ennui, and heavy smoking. 

Ok, the Parisians have a dark side, so maybe that’s not a fair comparison. Well, how do we compare to the rest of the industrialized world? To be honest, not so great.

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If, for some horrific and highly implausible reason, you found yourself on the front line of a combat zone, ready to charge into battle, and you glanced over and saw me standing next to you, I doubt you would feel comforted. 

That’s because I believe in nonviolence, so I wouldn’t be there shrieking war cries and boasting how I was going to drink my enemies’ blood. I would more likely be trying to figure out how to avoid shooting myself or anybody else, and this is not the quality you want in a soldier.

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Just like haters are gonna hate, apologists are gonna apologize.

Well, not really. As we know, the term “apologist” refers to people who rationalize and excuse reprehensible behavior. For ekrainxample, if you were a spineless toady for a scatter-brained bigot, but you still support him because you both dislike “woke” people, then you would be an apologist. In such cases, there is no actual apologizing taking place.

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In the weeks since Vladimir Putin launched his “genius” invasion, more than 2 million Ukrainians have fled their country. These refugees have scattered to neighboring European nations, where they have received warm embraces—unless they are black, in which case they are roughed up and detained. 

Of course, the Ukrainian refugees deserve the world’s sympathy and assistance. However, it is worth noting that because they are often blond and blue-eyed, their plight is eliciting far more empathy than, say, people fleeing war in the Middle East.

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We all want think that we are bad asses, the kind of people who would smirk at death and shout, “Russian warship, go fuck yourself.”

But no, most of us would not do that. In fact, one of the humanity’s chief problems is our willingness to acquiesce so easily. As a wise man once said, “It’s the unspoken truth of humanity that you crave subjugation… you were made to be ruled.”

This unpleasant fact has manifested itself in every culture at every time in human history. Some of the wisest minds of the ancient world thought it was perfectly natural to instill tiny children or drooling morons or insatiable murderers as rulers because their great-grandfathers had seized power and passed it down. Hey, somebody had to be in charge. Why not Caligula?

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There are no rapists in Texas.

We know this is true because last year, soon after the Lone Star State passed its wildly misogynistic anti-abortion ban, its governor said the law didn’t need an exemption for rape victims, because he was going to eliminate that crime in Texas.

However, the ensuing months have shown that this master plan has worked about as well you would have expected. Which is to say, it hasn’t worked at all.

Of course, such idiotic, outlandish, and flat-out insane statements from Republican officials are not surprising. On the contrary, for GOP leadership, they appear to be required.

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Love is in the air. Or maybe it’s desperation. Who can tell anymore?

In any case, this week was Valentine’s Day, and happy couples snuggled on dates, unhappy couples forced displays of intimacy, and single people either ignored the holiday or shrieked that they hate everyone who has ever been in a relationship anywhere at any time.

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